Labor to keep alive in your breast that spark of celestial fire called conscience.

1) I am the only person I know who can see a pregnant woman barely able to waddle and breath at the same time and feel JEALOUS!

2) grateful for MP3 players...not only do they play music but can also play downloaded BOOKS..WHEEEW!

3) grateful for old friends that somehow got put in my "file for safekeeping" drawer in my brain for a while and now are out and dusted off.

4) Yoga breathing and awareness makes me play that movie in my head where I think like a ballerina: softer and more graceful, unfortunately it only lasts about 2 minutes.

5) grateful for eating ice cream sandwiches from the dairy bar around the corner even when I am supposedly on a new diet! ha!
Diet rules go away after 10 pm anyway!

I have to try tell this story from information that was told to me. They remind me of the story of Beauty and the Beast.

Every week at church I see a man and his wife and kids. The man walks a bit barbaric, sort of hunched over. His look is bewildered but happy. They always sit in the back. The family parades one behind the other to the altar to receive communion. The father holds the smallest child in his arms in a semi-cradle fashion. He seems to be unaware there is anyone else in the church. His attention, whenever I see him, even at school functions, is totally on his children and wife. I can actually see the love on this man's face. I can see how much he cares about his family. I can feel how he is grateful and caring.

One Saturday evening we were at a wedding and this whole family was there sitting two tables away from us. I asked someone at the wedding about them as I voiced how impressed I was by them, by their obvious contentment.

Here is what I was told.

Dominic was born slow. He never went to school. He never learned how to read or write or add or subtract. He lived at home with his parents who sent him to work at a young age. He was on the large side so he needed to earn his keep. Sometime in his early 20's he began to work for a cement contractor as a helper. There was always a need for water to be hauled or big blocks of broken cement to be carried away. There were sandwiches to be picked up and steps to sweep. Dominic did what he was told to do. The owner of the company, Dan, treated him well and kind of liked him. He was a hard worker and was mannerly and polite. Some nights Dan took him to his house where he lived with his wife, his mom and dad, and his sister. It was there Dominic learned to cook spaghetti sauce and pizza. Dan's sister Helen fell in love with him at first site. At first, it seemed like a silly notion but then it got more serious. Helen had a MBA from Penn. She had a job running a multi million dollar company. Surely this would fade.

Dominic and Helen married less than a year later. They now have two small children. Helen supports the family financially. Dominic cooks and keeps the house. Helen's 83 year old mother has to help with the children as Dominic should not be alone to care for young children. After numerous lessons and dollars spent Dominic cannot learn to read or write or make important decisions. He can barely use a telephone. He can, however, do something most of us wish we could do but cannot...he can devote ALL his time and attention and care and love without interruption or interference or competition to his wife and children. It doesn't take a MBA from Penn to know that is truly special.

WE all make choices. We all decide what we can live with and what we can live without. Helen's choice both surprised and moved me just as the site of this family does every time I see them.

I've recently seen a movie (not one that I blogged about)(if I blogged about all the books and movies I read and watch I would be carried away in a padded wagon)...the movie had a surprise in it towards the end. A character that was seen throughout the movie turned out to be a figment of another's imagination. I was a bit annoyed about that particular surprise. I thought I had the whole movie under control.

After pondering for a couple of days, I thought it really quite genius. Real people in the real world do that all the time. We all have what I call "movies in our heads". You know what I mean, dialogue and events that take place only in our heads: not in real life, and not in dreams; sort of like day dreams. I have been a day dreamer for quite a long time (surprise, surprise). I remember sitting in second grade not hearing a single thing Mrs. Brignola was droning on about but thinking about things that never took place and never would; just things. It calmed me. Now, when I see someone talking to themselves as they walk down the street I remember to check myself. When you play your own little movie you tend to explain and to talk to your invisible friends.

Sometimes, someone will tell me something about themselves that does not fit with how I see that person at all ...some hyperbole that has no base whatsoever or just catching a gander of someone with a real unique physical presence...I usually think "what a movie that one has in her/his head"! These movies are the out of control sort. Eccentrics.

Books and movies are really bad for people like us since all that stuff just encourages creative thinking and more whispering to our invisible friends. More day dreams.

There are probably a million reasons why we have this internal dialogue. I think it becomes a way for us to feel we have some control over life. Some of us control life by devouring an entire cake every night (plead the 5th here) or running 60 miles a week (won't mention any names), or really knowing where all the dust is in our house and swiping it away (ahhhhh), shopping, or getting everything done "just in the knick of time". It really is a game we play with ourselves. If you can't understand what I mean about some of us producing our own daily movie then maybe you'll understand that we all play games with ourselves. Same thing.

Did you ever look into a magnifying mirror..WHAT???? Where did all those wrinkles and pimples and stray hairs come from? Whose face is that? Where is Me? WHo is this witch, anyway? Where is Snow White? This is sort of a metaphor to this little story. The person we are in our head is that person we see unmagnified and then the real person is the one magnified...too horrible to see, sending some of us to the store for face cream, others to plastic surgeons, others to books or movies or fantasy. Some of all that helps and some of it makes us more anxious, more controlling. Even manicures and facials can become chores. Most of us can't resist those magnifying mirrors though..like therapy or deep conversations or praying or meditation or YOGA. We need it sometimes.

What is the difference between a game and a habit?
Do you play any of these games?

Working really hard all week, you'll allow yourself a rest or a drink or a new purchase on the weekend.

An extra cookie for an extra big sweat at aerobics class.

Helping your mom with the laundry so she'll take you shopping.

Talking yourself into finishing that run while your running: "I'll run to the mailbox, I'll listen to music and sing so I do not realize I am running, If my sneakers didn't hurt I'd be able to run more, If my armpit wasn't burning I could run faster".

A new outfit makes it easier to go to work.

A manicure and facial because we need to have some "me" time.

A big lunch or desert or night eating because we are stressed or tired or both.

An affair because your bored, tired, scared or need to feel attractive.

A spotless house makes you feel content.

Over-treating your kids makes YOU feel better.

A stop at the dairy queen because it makes you remember how good ice cream was when you actually ate it without counting the calories,the fat content, the sugar grams and the carbs.

Not stepping on the cracks for fear of breaking your mother's back.

Bargaining with God.

Or just having a realization of yourself that you hold yourself accountable to.

In the movie the character that wasn't really there was the girl's father...she talked to him, he helped her make some decisions. All it really did was rationalize her own reasons for making the decisions she was making (just like we do when we do this sort of fantasizing)....in the long run, her decision was not a good thing but done for good reasons.

We all need to feel accepted and our head movies and games help shape our own ideas of acceptance.

I think these tricks are ways for us to rationalize our loss of control over life. How can we really admit we have very little control over what goes on, what happens to us, what our future holds? It keeps life interesting. What would happen if we stopped the day dreaming or let that front door go on squeaking or just let the dust bunnies float around for a couple of months or let that cake go uneaten. Nothing would happen...really. Would we feel more anxious, less in control of life?

Therefore, we continue to smile on our childhoods, day dream and trick ourselves. Is this living in the real world? Calming ourselves and pretending we've figured everything out helps our psyche. It keeps life interesting and keeps us going. So, pretend your a neat and orderly gentleman, or an Italian writer living in Tuscany or an expert basketball player or a glamorous lady with perfect nails and skin or a famous chef or a perfect mom or a true scholar. Just don't let anyone catch you talking to yourself.

This movie was very good. I would recommend it. It was about how our actions as parents have life lasting affects on our kids. Actions speak louder than words. Kids need our time, our love and our devotion. Based on the director's childhood.