The other day my two youngest kids and I took our precious little dog to the vet. She has a premature cataract in her R eye. I was worried. There isn't much to do about it, hopefully the L eye will be O.K. She was tested for diabetes (can cause cataracts) and thankfully the tests were negative.

On arrival we walked into the office and sat in the waiting room. My dog went under the chairs, obviously terrified, to wait.

A lady sitting across from us was talking sweetly to my dog Olive. "Hello! Oh, Aren't you just the cutest little thing". "Yes, you are a pretty little puppy"!

She went on and on and my initial smile was being held up by strong wonder. I noticed she looked very similar to a cat. Her hair was yellowish and dry and fuzzy and long with protruding bangs that looked more like face awnings. She was very thin and lanky. Her hands were worn and dry and her nails were obviously chewed off. Her fingers swelled around the bit of nail that hung to it's bed.

She continued to be nice and friendly and then started to kind of huff and puff. I smiled questionably to her and she said, "I have been waiting over an hour".

"Oh", I said. "Did you have an appointment, Do they know you are here?"

"Well, I didn't have an appointment because this little one just couldn't make it".

I looked what was cradled between the hands with the stubby finger nails and saw a small square red dish rag folded over. She lifted it to show me a tiny dead kitten with it's frozen cute face. She unwrapped it. I felt my 10 year old tense. She poked it with her finger. "She's getting kind of hard, now".

"I guess so!" I muffled.

"I tried mouth to mouth but I just could not save her"!

My 13 year old son's eyes popped and his mouth opened wide.

"Why did you bring her HERE?"

"I just need them to listen to her heart so I know for sure and then I'll have her cremated for a proper burial."

"Oh", I said. I felt guilty about what I was thinking.

"All the others survived".

"How many do you have?" I asked.

"6 downstairs and at least 5 upstairs, plus the ones I feed outside. I take them all here to get checked and neutered and then take them back home". "My sister has 25".

I felt sick.

I looked at her hair and thanked God for my own. I was suddenly very glad I am allergic to cats. I almost said, "we are dog lovers" but I restrained my crazy self.

The vet nurse appeared at the door and announced "Olive?"

We quickly ran into the examining room. I turned as I whispered to Cat Woman, "bye" in an astonished and sad voice.

I am listening to the book on tape, "Lucia, Lucia". I usually do not pick stories based on Italians mostly because I am always interested in things unknown to me. I never care to read anything about the Mafia. I have no interest in the Mafia or Mob...except, of course, "My Blue Heaven"...the movie with Steve Martin...I think it is genius.

Am I glad I picked this book to listen to...it is set in 1950, and is about a girl who works for the custom department in a big NYC department store. This book was written for me. The descriptions of the clothes, the food, the familiar language and Italian idiocycrancies and the references to NYC streets, restaurants, etc....love it.

It is back to school today. I love new pencils and crayons. New copybooks are so hopeful. Seeing friends that disappeared all summer is nice. Regular schedules are a good thing sometimes.

Of course, I had a hard time with getting up this morning. My youngest starts tomorrow so I'll get another chance to be up and perky ...I'll have to go to bed early tonight. Like 7 pm. lol

Getting back to the city has been great. I am always surprised to realize my observations when I get back here full time. I've lived here all my life so things should seem usual to me but living in a small shore town for a couple of months acclimates me to a different lifestyle and different expectations.

I was driving in the car last week and saw a lady on the corner of Broad and Oregon eating Chinese food out of a bag that was in the trash. The lady was an Italian lady I know from the neighborhood. She is probably in her 70's and she looked a bit out of her mind. You'd never see anyone doing this in Margate. The trash and the neglected homes in some areas of the city are just depressing. I'll never understand trash and litter. Never. There were gun shots supposedly fired in the park across from where I live the other night.
WHAT!!!! Philadelphia makes you aware of a larger world. South Street was FULL of people the other day...and no one cared if they were walking the correct direction down the street. In Margate, you get yelled at if you are going up the isle the wrong way in Casel's. And then, I feel filled with a surprise party excitement when I see my old friends, when my neighbors sit in the yard or on the porch with wine or coffee or burgers and we sit together for a couple of hours not because we are new friends or all in a new development of some kind but because we are OLD friends...we are reliable and familiar and similar.

There are parks and walks and running trails. There are bike lanes and buses and cabs. There are independent pastry shops and restaurants and bakeries and cheese shops we can walk to and know the person behind the counter. There are libraries filled with books and movies and tapes. There are hundreds of different kinds of schools. There are top notch hospitals and researchers and physicians. There is the Walnut Street bridge around 30th Street station that leads into West Philly where U of P is and it's great campus that finally connects with Drexel and also leads to the Pharmacy University after crossing Baltimore Avenue at Clark Park. There is the art museum and Kelly drive. There is Mannyunk and Fairmount. There is Sunny South Philly. There are farmer's markets and flea markets that span blocks and blocks. There is Girard Estates and Packer Park and Queen Village and Rittenhouse Square. There is HOME.

My aunt and uncle are around the corner, my sister down the street, my husband's cousins a few blocks away, my sister in law a nice walk away.

Summer is fun and hot and carefree and relaxing... and then September brings us back to what is ours, what we love and a new beginning.

My friends read this blog and wonder what I am so happy about. They interpret an upbeat vibe. Funny, but lots of times I cry when I write my blogs. Anyone that knows me KNOWS I cry easily. Just like my mom and Lorraine and Rosina and Aunt Roe. I know that doesn't mean we are unhappy, just very sensitive and emotional.

Here is my explanation:

First off, I am a person who cannot hide my feelings or emotions. I am very open and honest most of the time. I am not manipulative. I think this helps keep me happy. I do not have penned up things I never reveal. If I am tired, I want to be left alone. If I am hungry I eat.

Secondly, I try to do things with a full thought and carefully and well...from scrubbing my bath tub to addressing an envelope..I try to do things with intent and pride. It makes a difference. I have learned (I should say unlearned impatience) to do things slower and not get so anxious about getting DONE...I try to savor the DOING, not the completed task. I used to get so much satisfaction with crossing things off lists, even making lists after things were done to cross them off ...until I realized that was just making me anxious. Now I remember what has to be done and if not, I do it later...I still make lists just not as obsessively and compulsively.

Then, I try to do the things I love ....for example....I love to read, write, cook, take care of my house, my kids, just BE with my husband, hang with my sister and my sister in law and the other kids, go out with my girlfriends..BUT...there are times when even these things feel scheduled and expected and like a weight on my shoulders...so now if I don't feel like reading for a couple of days, or cleaning the kitchen so well or cooking every single day...I don't..I mean to say I take breaks every now and then, where as before I would never skip cooking dinner or leave the hamper full of clothes...guess what, my roof isn't falling in and I feel so happy when cooking a great dinner that I really want to cook (this is still most nights) .. ..even going out with the girls..sometimes I'd rather stay home on the sofa...so ..I do.

I do my job with ease and sense. I do not get in a tizzy anymore over things..I expect dirty houses, bugs, and crazy patients...if it is too bad I avoid it, if I can get it done knowing it is the job I am choosing to do for lots of other good reasons then I do it and stop complaining about it. I am very lucky to be in a profession that I can change jobs every year if I desire a change. I am very lucky to see and touch and speak to real special people every day. No one cares about being phony or politically correct. It is a very basic organic communication.

KIDS: Of course I wonder and worry about my kids but I've learned to really give up being so controlling. My kids know we still expect effort in school, we like them to have dinner with us, go to church with us, be respectful and kind and sociable with family members and friends and neighbors and teachers. We expect them to work and pay their own bills for luxuries like cell phones, extra clothes and sneakers and even gas for the car. We expect help around the house and we expect them to share lots of things with each other. We do not like when our kids sleep out or take advantage of late night hours. We know they are trying to get away with stuff...that is what kids do...but I try not to miss too many winks of sleep over things. My kids know I need sleep.
Also, I know my kids are going to have to live with the decisions they make..if they do things I don't like, well, tough beans...all I can do is guide them, talk, withhold food (kidding), and pray...the rest is for them to try and for them to find out.
Acceptance is a big thing with kids (as with lots of things)..for example, if their school work isn't always A's like I like...well, I have to accept all my kids are different and have different strengths and weaknesses and have to deal with them in their own way eventually.

Money: There will never, ever be enough of it. I can spend thousands of dollars on things I feel are necessities...I can redecorate and throw parties like nobody's business. And then I realize it all really doesn't matter. Sometimes I feel like I really hit the lottery because I realize I have so much more than I really will ever need. I have enough. WE do enough. The kids will get educated and hopefully read a few books. We'll get to explore and have excitement and adventures. As long as we can pay the mortgage and the bills there is no need to fret over nonsense. When the stucco falls off the house, we'll repair it and when I need a new dryer, I'll get one. I feel forever thankful I do not have to worry about basics and the luxuries I truly cannot live without like books and movies and certain outings and excursions . We have a beach house...all our own that we bought and fixed; no one gave it to us...that is something we love and are proud of...of course, there are bigger, more beautiful, COOLER ones...but ours is great...Also, I feel like I can do my work and my job without worrying about always doing better or making more money. It is enough.

Having Enough: this is a wonderful feeling...also stems to other things, for example, my hobbies...like writing...I always used to think it would never be as good as I'd like it to be and that probably is still true but I realize it doesn't have to stop me from writing blogs, poems, my little fictional stories...it can only improve from the practice and just doing it makes me elated. Also, I used to get a little down thinking that I would like to work in some kind of job where I could write...(reporter, short story writer, novelist, researcher...) and that made me dislike my real job but now I think I can do both...there is no rush or reason I have to think like that...so see, it is really how you look at things that matter.
And, I've learned, the more you have, the more responsibility you have and sometimes less responsibility is more care free and NICE.

OTHER people: I do try to figure people out..I am a frustrated psychologist. I wonder why in the world other people do the things they do, why everyone is so crazy. And then I think I am wasting my energy and time and brain on more nonsense...so, I say what I think and then forget it...trying to not care about the actions of others too much..unless, of course, it is important or causing danger or something like that....
another thing about me is I try to realize REALITY...so many people distort reality to fit their own life...they rationalize all sorts of things so they can go on believing what they want to...but to me, this just confuses everything and eventually causes problems. I try to accept what I cannot change, not convince myself the situation is something that it is not.
Also, I really try not to compete or compare...it is a waste of time...there will always be someone taller, with nicer skin, or hair or with more diamonds or houses or more intelligent kids or lives that are seemingly perfect...who cares???your life is your life...so LIVE YOUR LIFE...it is as good as you see it to be...

Aging: well this is something that can really scare me because I visit old, sick people all day..and some days I feel like I am doomed. Really...I decided a long time ago that I have no desire to be so young. Looking young is nice but it isn't nice when it is obsessed about or done artificially. I have always looked young for my age and even though I have a few gray hairs and a couple of wrinkles and gained a couple of pounds I feel more at ease with my physical self than I ever have in my life. I think fighting it is very ungraceful and unbecoming. I do exercise and eat really well and take vitamins and drink red wine...because I think it is important for health reasons...I can never consider myself lazy or unable to do something...I like being ABLE. I like having energy. I like being healthy. I conduct my life to maintain these things as best as I can. I am really grateful I can eat as much as I do without being a 3 ton whale.

Marriage: you know, anyone can complain about being married...even me..hahaha. It is hard. It takes work and communication and it takes giving up things you want to maintain peace and harmony...I just remember my husband does the same thing for me. And that makes it easier. Plus, I got the world's greatest husband...so, some of us are just lucky.

I am grateful for my special things: my metabolism, my energy, my family, GOd, my great four sons, my husband, my dog, my intelligence, my figure, angels and saints, my curiosity, my love of adventure and excursions and my insight, my sensitivity and my capability to be where I want to be and my ability to relax and enjoy life and little things (very little things)...and my awareness. I am grateful for feeling that if bad things happen then I will deal with them and go on because in the grand scheme of things it matters very little...we are little bits of dust in the compilation of all existence.

I always believe I am in control of my life. Because no matter how out of control it gets we always have the power to do something about it. Sometimes we make the wrong choice..but that is ok because we have the power to make another choice.

I feel I still have things to learn and am eager to learn them. I admire intelligence and adventure and exploring.

I always learn from mistakes and challenges and difficulties. A smooth sailing life would be boring and unsatisfying that is the greatest reason not to spoil kids because giving them lots of things actually takes aways a great deal from their souls. Our souls are the most important part of us.

and for the biggest reason why I am happy

is
I dwell on the lucky part, I accentuate the positive. And being happy
is a CHOICE.

does that answer your question? or help you be happier?

Ron McLarty is an actor with a need to write. He looks like a really nice guy.
He spent years trying to get someone interested in this book.
then
Stephen King highly recommended it. I am not a fan of Stephen King's genre but I do admire him greatly as a writer..he is terrific. I did read a couple of his books. Misery was great...about a nurse who kind of tortures her patient...hehehehehe!

The Memory of Running was very good. It took me a few chapters to like the main character enough to want his company for the rest of the book. I am glad I read it. If you like to ride a bike, like to fish, like a bit of adventure, want to read a bit about the states of America you'd like this book. Fortitude and Love is what it is all about.

Bring bananas (you'll see).

I will read his next book (not out yet), for sure.

The Alcemist by Paulo Coelho

Just started...all about wisdom and a journey..right up my alley.
The famous line from this book is "Man's biggest obligation is finding his personal calling"...something like that...