Wednesday was Ash Wednesday. The beginning of Lent. A time of self reflection and sacrifice, a waiting period before the big celebration of Easter; the ultimate feast.

I always try to sacrifice something I love for the sport of it. Usually it is sweets and usually I do not make it out of the first week.

Oprah (remember how much TV I'v been watching this week trying to recover from ???the flu) says making promises to yourself and not keeping those promises is lying to yourself. Wow, do I lie a lot! She says it is like a friend telling you she'll do something for you on Monday and then she doesn't do it or doesn't show up..it is not only a lie but a disappointment and not only a disappointment but a reason to have less faith in her/you and therefore your credibility becomes lessened, in my case laughable, even to yourself.

I thought that was a good point. There is a reason she is one of the richest women in America. Rich being the way us American's judge someone's success. For me, Oprah is much more than rich. She is honest and productive and I truly think she does the world good, and not by giving things away, although that is nice.

So back to lying and lent. Lent is always a time I try to reflect on my life. No not my weight or my wrinkles or my money but my life. I try to look at myself from an outside eye. I try to really make a sacrifice. The goal is humbling, building character, reaching for the love of God. I try to not only deny myself something but to do something good for others, even strangers, even without them knowing. Lent is also a good time to repent. It is a time to really examine your sorry ass self and make changes. It is a time to mature your conscience and your soul.

Then I think about my idea of being sorry. I can go to confession and tell the priest my past sin(s) and profess my sorrow and then say the designated prayers or do the designated deeds to serve my penance. Only then can I sigh in relief? But it doesn't work that way for me. I feel like I have to rehash every single piece of that sin and think about it and wonder why it happened and how I could have prevented it and torture myself until I know my sorrow is so great it could never be misunderstood come judgment time. No one can judge me harder than I do myself. I do not mean that for pity sake, I just mean I tend to be hard on myself sometimes.

I think if I had to re-live that day (sin), that moment, knowing what I know now, could I honestly say, I wouldn't do it again? Does that prove sorrow? And if I do not honestly say that, am I really sorry? Does it relate at all? Some people think that isn't being sorry, that is something different, but for me, it is important because if I am going to admit to say killing my husband's old girlfriend so he would marry me and he does and we live happily ever after, can I honestly say I am sorry and feel sorry but know if I was in the exact same situation I would not want to jeopardize my fairy tale life so I would probably kill the slut again?
you see my point?

That was a made up scenario for anyone who is wondering.

And is hindsight cheating? Does a more mature person and mind not count?

I know my church and priest would say if I confess my sins and do my penance I am free from the sin. But I wonder...

Someone said (in a song?) "love means never to have to say your sorry"...who said that..I know God loves me, but I think saying it, meaning it and saying it again...helps..it won't change the past but can it change the future. And little sins count too..just as much as big ones.

I was talking to someone recently about someone else..gossip..another sin???...and we were recognizing their "bad karma", we were seeing things happen to their children that weren't so nice...and were wondering if it was related to the parent's bad actions. Thinking about anything bad I do or did may affect my children's luck or grace or life makes me nervous. It is one thing for one to "pay" for one's actions, it is quite another for a child to have to endure the brunt of a parent's sins. Yet, that happens all the time.

Sometimes I look at people's lives while they are wondering about why the things that are happening to them are happening and I see it so clearly...the way they were raised, the minutes that lead up to that question, their parents, their choices, their blindness and I try to pull my life into that same clear viewfinder. I try to see how things add up and then I try to either be grateful or be sorry and then I try to change and then I try to understand and then I try to teach my kids the lessons I learn.

I think this flu has me delirious...

in my book...it never hurts to "say your sorry" and it certainly matters if you really mean it.

DO we ever have enough? DO we all want always to have MORE? Is that so bad? SOmetimes it is and sometimes it is not...but this week TV has shown me so much of the world needs to be more beautiful, richer, hipper, shinier, skinnier. There are so many that value big swimming pools and houses and 7-8 cars in one family and big diamonds and over-partying. There is a vulgarity to it..sometimes, it just crosses the line of decency. It seems the less we value traditions and religion and conservative living the more we have to have perfect or the look of perfect to almost anesthethize us from feeling empty.

I almost got caught up in the NEED on QVC.

This past week, including the weekend, I have been sick with either a very bad cold or the flu. I have actually spent days in bed.

WOW...it is terrible to be sick. I will definitely be more empathetic towards my patients. It must be impossible to be old and sick and alone.

One suggestion if sick in bed...DO NOT watch LIfetime movies...you will find yourself crying over reasons beyond which make common sense and your head will be even stuffier. I cannot read too much or write because I cannot concentrate or think straight...so watching bad TV is the only thing to do...can't wait to get back to work and real life. I actually filed my nails which is a great big accomplishment for me.

Reality TV makes no sense to me and seems more unrealistic than cartoons that hit each other over the head with heavy metal items and then get up and chase each other again. Complete makeovers are clogging the channels...and the news is too repetitive and slow and if I see one more picture of Anna Nicole Smith I am going to vomit for real.

One show...untold ER stories ...I found to be good. And my great fall back channels the Travel channel and Discovery and NJN are good. The Food network is even on my nerves. I did get to watch Martha...which is the best thing about being sick and watching daytime TV. I love Martha. I admire her perfectionism. I love Oprah. Her show today was all about kids who are abducted and molested and my nerves were so shot from crying I was shaking. I lectured my 10 year old son for 30 minutes about strangers and how never to listen to anyone that tells him I don't care about him anymore or love him anymore. It is incomprehensible to me. I have to say we all should be more aware and concerned about this and preventing it and helping convict the perpetrators because it happens everywhere and often and we should be thinking about really important issues like this (and lots of other ones)and not so much about how small our nose is or how flat our stomachs or how big our breasts are...it is outrageous where our priorities are...no wonder God lets this happen...maybe to have some of us care about it....but the one thing I wanted to share is on Oprah's website..Oprah.com there are letters to download and send to your senators and governor...important laws to pass and support..please go there and read it and send it out...if we all do it maybe ONE child will be saved. or Maybe more.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams".

It is the movie with Sandra Bullock (excellent)as Harper Lee and it is about Truman Capote writing "In Cold Blood". I thought it very good...

there is a line in the movie that Harper Lee says Frank Sinatra said about Judy Garland "Every time Judy Garland sings, she dies a little"...that is how much she puts into it.

and Harper lee compares that thought to writers..that write a great work...it takes something away from their life...Truman Capote became very famous and rich from that book but it nearly killed him and certainly deflated him.

Harper Lee wrote "To Kill A Mockingbird". It was her only novel..and it was fabulous. It is one of my favorite books of all time. I just got a biography of her and cannot wait to read it.

Only one of my four grandparents was born in Italy, my mother's father. He, along with his sick mother, sailed for one whole month on a boat during the month of December to the United States. As far as I understand his mother was not with him but in the infirmary the whole time. He was alone without a game boy or a portable DVD player, without crayons and paper, and probably without a toothbrush. There was no music or books or (probably) enough warm blankets.

My grandfather's character was quiet and sweet and strong. He was always nice and a little stern. When he spoke, you listened. When he laughed, you knew it was funny. When he yelled, you knew he was pushed to the limit. I remember him always working..either at his job or in the garden or in the garage. I remember him always reading the paper and watching the news.

Imagine being 10 years old, by yourself among strangers, in cold, harsh weather on the sea for 30 days to reach a country where few will understand your language or culture or family or food. Imagine, getting off the boat smoking a cigarette (remember he was 10) to be greeted by an unfamiliar father with a kick in the ass.

Somehow, they made it. They learned to speak English, went to school and worked hard and produced a large American family that appreciates their suffering and hard work. I never, ever remember my grandfather complaining about anything (except my grandmother).

That was a long time ago and my grandfather is long gone, but certainly not forgotten.