Our house seems like it has a revolving door. We go in and out so often we must get on our neighbor's nerves. One day I tried to count how many times I started my car and I lost count by the afternoon. It is almost impossible to keep track of everyone's schedule..so, I do what I can and forget the rest. If it is that important somebody will remember it sooner or later.

I wish the little squares on the calendar were a bit bigger.

Today my two youngest sons needed something for school that I had to go to the store for at 7:30 am. No big deal for most people...CVS was full of perky, fully dressed, fully coiffed people..some of them even chatting. Shocking. I felt like an intruder from Mars. I was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt and flip flops. I kept thinking of the cup of coffee I left on the counter. I inhaled and smelled it's aroma. I hurried up a bit. I smoothed my hair back.

Once I got to the school yard I handed my youngest son his package feeling almost fully awake. As he grabbed the bag he shouted "Thanks" and then "Baiye" and turned his full attention back to his friends. I walked to the car hearing "Baiye" over and over. No "mom" or "mommy" or "mama". He was never one to care about his friends seeing him hold my hand or kissing him on the cheek. It wasn't about him being embarrassed. It was about getting back to what he was interested in...and I was definitely not it!

okokokokook

He is the youngest. He is the fourth. Come on..I am not that much of a big baby, but "Baiye"? So flip. So ungrateful. So southern. I started to see in my mind's eye certain people and the comments that I've heard over the past 10 years about my affection for my buddy, my scooty, my soulmate..my son, my youngest son, my baby. I was teased. I ignored it. Now, I feel fooled. Now, I feel sad. I know those glorious kid and mom days are over...I've been feeling it lately...his affection for me seems forced, his sweet talk seems false. I know he knows what I want to hear. I know he knows just when to say it.

I loved the days when my kids were little guys...and the youngest one..well, I had more time for him because I didn't have another little one after him.

I had a good mind to remind him when he got home from school about the time we put on rain gear and ran and jumped and splashed in the deep puddles in the park across the street..until we were out of breath and soaked and then came in for hot chocolate and bubble baths. Or the times we had picnics on a whim. Or the books we read and stories we made up and pictures we drew about our stories.

Of course, I don't want him to feel bad. I don't want pity. Not really. Not much pity anyway.

I know he didn't mean a thing by it. I know he is a nice, sweet, decent kid. But it continued all day. At 9 am he called from school saying he needs his shoes for a funeral mass he has to serve today. He had sneakers on because it was gym day. When I took him the shoes he snatched them with that same snatch..and said.."thanks", as he fled out the door, "you made it just in time". I made it? Who forgot their shoes? After school he "shot some hoops" at a friends house without calling until 4:20 (1 hr and 20 minutes after he is usually home), his excuse being he thought his brother told me where he was after school. His brother had to go to work.

okokokokokok

I am out of work after working for years and I thought I'd cherish our time together. Lots of it. I didn't know that time was limited. I didn't realize they all became independent and self sufficient just like I hoped.

They are all really good kids. They are busy and have their own little lives going on, and now that I am home I can see they do so much I am not a part of, they've made choices and put in long days at work, they've made lots of friends and took on responsibilities that were not necessary but admirable, they've kept schedules and obligations and maintained curfews and household regulations and some of them even do homework.

Just a few Mother's Day thoughts???!!!!

With four sons someone is always in trouble, we always are worried about something, big or small, we are always surprised by someone and one or another always makes us happy and proud.

I did sweat my sorrows out at the gym and when I got home my oldest was excited. School (first year of college) is over and the sun is out. He had a free day and after his shower he was taking me out to have a sushi lunch. I tried to deny it. I tried to spare him the effort and expense. But he insisted...we had a great afternoon! We ate way too much sushi, which we both love and enjoyed. It was delicious. We talked like "two adults out to lunch" and he treated me like a queen. He drove the Mini through the balmy city with the top down and his favorite music blasting. Since he was driving and he was planning and he was paying, I felt like I was taking direction from him and none of that "do what Mom wants you to do before you hear it" nonsense was anywhere between us. I didn't need to be judgemental as he told me his plans and his desires. He, as I am sure the others too, have things planned out, they have their own thoughts and desires and time. It's nice that he is making his plans totally independent of me or his dad. Lots of things he'll do on his own. He didn't ask me for a thing. And isn't that the point? Isn't that really what we want...to have healthy, happy, independent kids, that will make do with what they have? Who are willing to deal with their own consequences? I hope he knows he can have anything and everything. All of it (because that little one aint' gettin nothin). (LOL) It's nice, that on his own, he thought of spending some time with me. Really nice.

I realized we still have that revolving door in our house..and we all go in and out but hopefully, some day, when they come back in and mean Hiya's not Baiye. They'll stay a while and we'll have new times and memories to make and maybe even some day I'll tell them about the time when they were little and ...........

How do you maintain a sense of health when you are surrounded by the equivalent of the Rocky Horror Picture Show?

I am on the 8th grade committee. We are going to NYC on the class trip. I've been on this same trip with my first two kids.

Of course, we are having a bake sale the day before the trip. Of course. Donuts, cakes, cookies, sugary drinks.

The committee wants to make "goodie bags" for the bus trip. But of course they do...how would we manage fun without goodie bags.

I really don't know why I am on these committees. I never agree. With anything.
well..except ice cream night...the night of the art show. I love that. Bassetts. I have weaknesses too, you know!

I, like an overanxious student raising their hand shouting "oooo, ooo, ooo"..suggested a healthy snack. I suggested apples, or frozen bananas and water. What is wrong with that? I volunteered to buy or make them, bring them in a cooler.

No response.

I prefer to think of myself as Marilyn in the house at "The Monsters" ..they will never understand me.

The baggies will include cookies, peanut butter crackers and a drink. The baggies will include: simple sugars, white flour, hydrogenated oil, saturated fat and probably a toy of some sort. Please save me...someone...please.

There is no time allowed for lunch since we will be bringing our breakfast on the bus and will be provided with these bags of goodies. Dinner will be on the way home 14 hours later.

Do our kids have a cool chance in hell?

What do we teach our kids during the moments of life not in a classroom? WHAT??????

and then we wonder why we are pinching ourselves with insulin needles, why 7 year olds can't climb a flight of steps and why we are always tired.

It's those damm goodie bags!

I thought I was off my rampage...

anyway
I am volunteering at the bake sale and I am donating frozen bananas. And I will rant and rave the whole time.

Last night I saw my friends from high school. Our school, the very same one my sons go to now, which used to be an all girls Catholic high school back in 1979, had a fund raiser. "As much as things change is as much as they stay the same", is a very true statement. I was little Debbie again. And we were Debbie and Louie among Kim, Rita and Carmen and Liz and Pete. We've endured changes and sameness. We've understood all along our precious relationships. I remember the day I met each and every one of them, a long time ago, a lifetime ago. Most of our times together have been fun and really special. Of course that is nice. We looked around at the "Goretti Girls" (and the Neumann boys)(the schools merged), the honor society and the student government volunteers and we remembered. It is still a really nice school. The enrollment is much smaller. It seems more private and the kids get more attention now. There are many more high schools now. Some of the teachers are the same ones from 30 years ago.

The volunteers, the high schoolers, have a whole life ahead of them. I am sure they have plans. I am sure they are also trying to figure out the whole rest of their lives as I was back then. I am sure they are worried. I want to tell them to forget it. It is not figureoutable. I want to say they'll still be wondering in 30 years, maybe not about the same things or maybe so. There is a quote somewhere that says something like "Success is not the destination, it's the journey". I've learned that is true. Success is the journey no matter if it is smooth sailing or you get lost during the hike. It is all about the learning and the growing. Would we give up that growth to get back the time, to get back the chances, to erase some of the mistakes we made? If so, who would we be now?

I remembered a couple of lines from the book "A Three Dog Life":
"On the way back through town we drive past the half-dressed youth of Woodstock lying on the village green. They are a beautiful sight, but what with my bad back and good memory I am glad not to be one of them. They have far too much future."

I know that some of the things that were so important to me back then are no longer important and I also realize some of the same things I thought about back then enter my thoughts often now. I've changed and I've stayed the same, as did the school and my friends and the world.

As much choice is offered to the young, the energetic, and the hopeful, there is a sense of way too much to be done, far too much future. It gives me a weary feeling. As much as I cherish my past, it seems too daunting to want to have to go through it all again, even my very young childhood that I so adored, even to have back cherished family members and friends no longer with me. My life is nice now. I feel happy and content in many ways. I've gotten through and I've adapted. I am still trying to figure out the future as I help my kids try to figure out their own. I see the memories and friends they are making and I see myself all over again in many things they do and I am glad for them.

I hope they understand how precious their friends and relationships are and I have to tell not to worry so much. Memories are a real good thing.

I think I could live without wine before I could live without pens and paper.
I am constantly writing thoughts down. I have done this most of my life. Little notes to myself to not forget something I thought. Is that a sign of craziness? If I think it than how can I forget it, but in fact, I do forget..so much. I forget what I think and am so happy when I read a note of mine that reminds me what I thought.

LOL

The other night I went to pick up my son from work. It was about 1 a.m. I had a few thoughts and wrote them down on the way. I had the paper and pen on my lap. I was in my pajamas and a big sweater since I had the chills. When I got to the restaurant one of the bosses came to the car to say "hi". My hair was all sticking up and I looked half asleep. My leopard slippers were evident. I had the feeling he was wondering about something. When I saw the paper and pen I wondered if he wondered what I was doing...writing my grocery list at 1 a.m.?

I had to laugh...and wonder if I am the strangest person in this city.

Sometimes I embarrass myself.
My son just laughed.

I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget it.

The question comes up every now and again...

are humans basically good or evil?

Dennis Prager says we are basically evil. Our upbringing, parents, and religion all help shape us into more good than evil beings.

Laws and traditions and expectations help goodness to endure. Sometimes. Some of them.

I wonder about this...before the apple fell we were in paradise, right?
One little wrong doing made God throw in the towel? I don't know about that?

Actually I think some of us are BORN evil and some are BORN good..and then our cultural exposure, our parents, our upbringing, our friends and our decisions can change or alter our inborn tendency..sometimes the natural tendency is so suppressed that for a lifetime we are able to fake it ..one way or the other..and lots of times our tendencies come out in unexpected ways...one way or another.

I know going to Catholic school and being raised in a religious household brainwashed me enough to be afraid of evil. I do not feel like I have EVIL tendencies. I am not all good..no matter what my father and husband think. I know the whole world is not like I am..that there are people who are born tormented and then there are others who are tormented their whole lives.

If Goodness or Evil is not within our own and ultimate power to exist than how much of our behavior should be viewed as such. How can we say good and evil are intrinsic? How does it matter?

or should we do everything in our power to nourish the goodness in all of us..or would that make us weak? Does a touch of evilness give us power or strength or does that come from goodness?

Can I possible write an entire blog of questions?

Some days I just have questions...lots of questions.